The isolation of early pregnancy.

What sort of couple get pregnant in their first month of trying? Well, us, actually. Wow.

Yes, I’m pregnant. 6 & a bit weeks pregnant*.

I’m amazed, overwhelmed, excited, scared, delighted, thrilled, worried & over-the-moon. But more than any of those things, I’m alone.

Obviously, Mr T knows & is elated, but we have yet to tell anyone else the news & I feel incredibly alone. It’s such early days that we don’t want to tempt fate by telling people yet, just in case something happens.

I’ve had so many friends experience the trauma of miscarriage & even worse; one had a molar pregnancy which led to cancer & 6 months of chemo; 2 friends have had the nightmare of finding out at 20 their week scans that their babies had defects that meant they would not survive past birth & had to make the heartbreaking decision to go through labour at 20 weeks without the prospect of a baby to take home at the end & 2 other friends have had stillborn babies well in to the 30+ weeks time that you feel is the ‘home straight’. These experiences have been awful for each of them & have also served ┬áto make me more cautious about this pregnancy, as it feels a bit too good to be true that it could happen so soon & I could just sail straight through it.

It’s 4 years since I last did this & I can’t remember how I felt at this point. I wish I had someone to talk to about it & see if my feelings are normal.

I feel lucky each day that I wake up & haven’t started my period. I have boobs so sore that the shower water hitting them makes me jump & I am starting to feel a bit sick, but not really got much else in the way of symptoms & this in itself is starting to make me worry.

I have developed some sort of pregnancy Munchausen’s syndrome & the worse I feel physically, the better I feel mentally about being pregnant – surely if you feel crappy then that’s a good sign for a healthy pregnancy? I have awful indigestion in the evenings & am feeling ridiculously bloated – to the point where I feel like anyone I have seen past 6pm in the last week couldn’t help but think I was pregnant, but more like 6 months than 6 weeks! Is this normal?

Last time, we told people quite early (but I can’t remember how early) & I didn’t find out until a little later, so we have had more time to keep it a secret this time.

One thing that concerns me is that if the unthinkable were to happen, I don’t know how I will break the news to people that I had been pregnant, but now wasn’t. We have decided to have an early scan at 7 & a bit weeks to see if things look ok. I know things can go wrong at any point, but this will ease my mind slightly & I think we may tell our nearest & dearest after it.

* I actually wrote this when I was 6 & a bit weeks – I’m now 16 weeks & feeling a little brighter about things, but it has just made me cry reading back over this; bloody hormones!

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