I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not……

This week I joined the thousands of women (maybe even millions, I have no idea?) who are in the ‘am I pregnant?’ limbo land.

If I’m honest, it’s not that great a place to be, but at the same time it’s a wonderful place to be. It’s a place where you can browse pushchairs & maternity wear online & smile conspiratorially to pregnant ladies in the street. It’s also a place where you feel hopeless, just waiting, waiting, waiting for any sign of that angry crimson flush to come & steal your dreams away before you properly had chance to enjoy them.

I’ve had an ache in my hips, a strange taste in my mouth, been too hot to sleep, had night sweats, vomiting, lower back pain, more frequent weeing & sore boobs. Each of these have been rubbish, but when I felt like they might be because I was pregnant, I was strangely ok with it.

In actual fact, the ache in my hips was because I walked 8 miles on Sunday for a charity walk.

The strange taste in my mouth was probably due to the new toothpaste we bought.

The fact that I was too warm to sleep is more than likely due to the new matress topper I put on when I last changed the bed.

The vomiting could have been from germs thoughtfully shared with me by Little T, who puked in his bed on Friday night & again all over the table mid-way through lunch on Saturday.

The ache in my lower back, vomiting, high temperature, more frequent weeing & night sweats were all actually symptoms of a kidney infection that I ignored, because I optimistically believed them to be something brilliant instead. I am now sofa-bound with said kidney infection & was scolded by the GP for not going in sooner to get antibiotics.

Even as I vomited every hour for about 18 hours between Thursday & Friday I still had a small smile as I thought it might be a big surge in hormones, or some marvellous job my body was doing that was causing it.

In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that all of these symptoms had come at once, but at the time I justified it with some thought about hormones reaching the right level or some other crap.

I managed to convince myself I had almost every single pregnancy symptom going (as well as some that aren’t!), but the truth is, I could have been seriously ill, with my rose-tinted ignoring of symptoms that were quite clearly not due to pregnancy but something more sinister. Ony when my temperature reached 41 on the second day of vomiting, but I remained feeling freezing cold, did I start to think that maybe this wasn’t quite right & managed to get in with the doctor.

The thing is, I started this venture – I don’t know quite what else to call it – with blind optimism that I would get pregnant & that was that (of course I have quite a few worries about what will happen when I am, but feel I can address these when the time comes). For 18 months I have been seeing my consultant regularly to ‘prepare me for launch’ (his – reasonably odd – terminology, not mine!); I have been taking tablets to get a regular monthly cycle; I have been losing weight to be healthier during pregnancy; I began practising pilates to strengthen my core & lessen the chance of SPD again; I have tried (when I remember) to relax for 10 minutes each day with my mindfulness app to reduce my stress levels. Basically, in my head, it already feels like we’ve been trying for the best part of a year, if not longer.

Only we haven’t. We haven’t been doing (excuse the pun) the most important bit of trying for a baby, because someone else made that decision for us. I had to have 2 month window off the tablets I was taking (they can cause foetal abnormalities, otherwise) to balance hormonal imbalance & so we have actually only been trying for a month. One month. That’s all. What bloody couple gets pregnant the month they start trying (probably some, I suppose).

I just need my head to tally with my heart on this & they need to have a word with my patience (or lack of) & tell them that it’s likely to take a while & I need to find a way to chill out & let nature take it’s course. If anybody knows the key to this, I’d love to know it, please.

I never did find the cause of sore boobs though…

One thought on “I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not……

  1. Mother Nature is a beast – almost all early pregnancy symptoms are the same as pmt. It’s not very fair at all

    I won’t insult you by saying relax, have lots of sex, enjoy yourselves because yes that is good advice but it misses a lot of the roller coaster of trying and not getting pregnant

    I found charting helped a bit – admittedly I did obsess but at least I was obsessing over hard data!

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