Under starters orders & terrified.

I’m reluctant to tell anyone other than my closest friends we are ‘trying for a baby’ as I don’t want the extra stress that adds, but I’m writing about it here, as I desperately need to get my insecurities out. I have been forbidden unable to have another baby until now due to the medication I am taking (which you can read about here), but as the date we have been given the green light to try approaches, I am half excited, half terrified. 

  • I’m terrified because I distinctly remember being told when I was diagnosed that the miscarriage rates for women with PCOS are 1 in 2 & I can’t help but feel like we’ve had our ‘1’ & the next would end in heartbreak, which I am not sure I’m mentally strong enough to deal with.
  • I’m terrified because I wasn’t very good at being pregnant with Little T. I spent a total of 21 nights in hospital before he was born & each time I saw the midwife, I was sent to hospital to be checked or monitored – I got to the point where I was going to my appointments with an overnight bag already packed. The logistics of doing this with a toddler are much harder to work out & – although I have a wonderful support network – I don’t want to be a burden to people.
  • I’m terrified because I suffered with SPD with Little T’s pregnancy & was on crutches, unable to walk further than a few metres, drive or get comfortable from about 30 weeks – meaning I was off work, not sleeping & fed up. The practicalities of this happening when I have a 4 year old to look after are somewhat different & it would break my heart to not be able to pick him up when he needed me.
  • I’m terrified because I had a c-section last time, as Little T’s growth dropped off & there was very little fluid around him, so he couldn’t be turned around. I know this was medically the right thing to do & I  – given the choice again – I’d do exactly the same, but I feel like I missed out on delivering ‘properly’ (as it has been called by several people – enquiring as to whether I would try to do it properly next time). Because the section was planned, I had no contractions & I didn’t get chance to experience labour at all. I have no doubt I will regret saying this & will probably beg for a c-section if I make it to natural labour, but it’s the one thing our bodies are designed for & I missed out. Maybe this is related to my FOMO too??
  • I’m terrified that I will feel like I’ve failed – again – if I struggle to breastfeed. I only had milk one side & tried for a few days to do 8 feeds a day on one boob, until I would wince each time Little T was passed to me, as I knew what he would want & feared further damage to my already bleeding nipple. Mr T stepped in & said this was ridiculous & wasn’t enjoying my time as a new mum because of this & we started alternating between breast & bottle, which worked better for all concerned, but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d somehow let Little T down, as I knew full-well that ‘breast is best’. As his growth had dropped off in utero, it was a despair that I hadn’t been able to grow him inside me & now I couldn’t manage to do it outside of me either.
  • I’m terrified that I won’t be able to love another baby as much as I love Little T – I don’t feel like I could ever love anything or anyone that much. Because of this, I’m terrified that I will constantly compare baby number 2, to Little T, making it an unfair competition for them both.
  • I’m terrified because I am not sure I can cope with a newborn. It wasn’t until reading Alison Perry’s beautiful post on PND recently that things clicked & I realised the new mum she was talking about could have been me. I loved my son, but the prospect of being at home all day with him when he was tiny terrified me & I, too, resisted the urge to beg my husband not to go to work each morning of maternity leave.
  • I’m terrified because I have been told my tumour will grow, should I become pregnant & I don’t know the implications of this. Before it was diagnosed previously, I struggled with the symptoms & the hormonal changes associated with this & am not relishing the thought of this happening again (although I have the benefit of knowing what is happening to me this time, as it was fear of the unknown last time.)
  • I’m terrified that the longing for a second baby will take over my life/our lives. I already seem to have become more aware of pregnant ladies & new babies & am seeing them everywhere I look. I don’t want to miss out on the here & now because I’m so focused on a ‘maybe’ in the future.
  • I’m terrified of becoming too hopeful, only to be heartbroken each month I am not pregnant. I am well aware of the statistics for how long it takes, but – at this point I feel hopeful that I could be the exception & it might happen straight away. Then I immediately feel a fool for daring to think I may beat the statistics.
  • I’m terrified of losing control. Quite simply, we don’t have another baby because we haven’t tried yet. I am in control of this. Once we start to try, I have no control of any of it & stepping into the unknown & relinquishing control is a scary prospect.

Despite all of these worries, that keep me awake, I’m excited about the prospect of creating a new life & nurturing it, watching him or her grow & develop a character. This part doesn’t need much more discussion & I think it outweighs all of the other stuff, but it is still with trepidation that I start this journey.

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